Response #1
Overall the first student did a fine job at writing a response essay on “Function of a Foil” using the example of Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan . This student wrote a fantastic opening paragraph that truly accomplishes the idea of “thesis answers prompt.” Her paragraphs included a large amount of details that assisted me in understanding what the story was about, without actually reading it. I do feel like there was summary at times with all the information provided. The vivid language makes up for this at times as it never gets boring to read. The student does a great job at bringing their piece full circle. I think this writing is worthy of an 8.
Response #2
It took reading the whole essay to realize who Celie’s foil is, when it really should be clear in the very first paragraph. It would be deserve a much better score if the writer could have just made this major detail more clear. It is a well written piece but becomes unfocused at times and includes unneeded details such as when the student writes that Celie met Shug while singing karaoke at a bar. This does not add anything to story.
Response #3
First off, this student did not make this a long enough essay to fully develop the message they are trying to convey. This starts right from the first paragraph when the writer does not clearly list the “many ways” Baba is a foil to Hassan. I understand that Baba and Hassan are extremely similar, but the examples to support that are simply not good enough. This essay could have used quotes or something more to back the statements up. The word choice was not strong enough and the repetition of examples occurred often. This essay needs some major revision to get it even close to an 8 or 9.
Response #3
First off, this student did not make this a long enough essay to fully develop the message they are trying to convey. This starts right from the first paragraph when the writer does not clearly list the “many ways” Baba is a foil to Hassan. I understand that Baba and Hassan are extremely similar, but the examples to support that are simply not good enough. This essay could have used quotes or something more to back the statements up. The word choice was not strong enough and the repetition of examples occurred often. This essay needs some major revision to get it even close to an 8 or 9.
Ooga booga booga,
ReplyDeleteIt would be helpful if you copy-pasted the prompt so reviewers would know what was being talked about without having to go dig for links.
I think you mentioned some good points that are essential to a "9" essay. Specifically these are things like not elaborating ("'many ways'") and having more evidence.
The reviews work but I feel like you could have gone more in depth with your analysis and such.
- Ahmad
In response #1 I like how even though you have never read the story (I’m assuming) you can pick up when there is plot summary, that can be very helpful in when you are writing your own essays. One major thing I’d say is take things deeper, for example in response #2 you just say “It is a well written piece….” What makes it “a well written piece”? I realize it may be redundant to constantly be picking out the good and the bad in each piece, but it’s the experience that will help develop the skills required to better analyze literature. One minor thing I found was also in response 2 you say “It would be deserve a much better score if....” I’d simply eliminate “be” and you’re good to go. Overall I think you get the concept of what you need to do for these responses, but its just a matter of taking a little deeper.
ReplyDeleteHunter,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, good job for picking the right question number to write about!
About the 1st response, personally I thought that the writer had too much plot, but then again they did receive an 8 so who am I to complain. This prompt seems to call for more details than some of the other prompts I've seen.
For the 2nd response, I also agree with the writer having some unnecessary details that don't contribute to the foil aspect.
On the 3rd response, I like how you pointed out that the writer should have listed out the ways the two characters were foils in the beginning instead of dispersed throughout the rest of the essay.
Overall, nice analysis!
Oh and since Ahmad didn't mention it here, he said on everyone else blog to try to formulate your analysis first without any AP grader input.